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I've been sleeping in on Sunday. I used to go to a morning meeting. It's a great meeting, I've always felt accepted and loved there. I can just be me. The meeting is on the beach. It is a nice change of pace from being indoors. I met with a new sponsee yesterday. He is a kind soul I could tell that from the moment I met him. I hope I can be a part of the solution for him. Anyways, I'm sitting on the couch with the TV on in the background. I just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I needed it to go with my handful of meds that I take everyday. Want to get off medications. I have major depression and have been told these meds will keep my symptoms in check. I guess they work, I haven't had an episode in a long time. I just wonder what it would be like without them, like what are they turning off or turning on for that matter. I know I'm not a doctor and theses drugs work on the brain chemistry but when can I come off of them? Maybe never. Before the meds I had days when I couldn't get out of bed. My eyes seemed to be forced closed. I felt like I was sedated. I cried a lot back then, just broke out crying. I finally called for help. That's when the medications started. My current doctor said she wanted to find a cocktail that would balance all my neurotransmitters. For the most part this has been working. No random crying. No bed days. No episodes. So, you ask what's the problem? I just don't want to be medicated anymore. The alternative is back to the way things used to be. I don't want that. Hell sometimes I don't know what I want. There it is. Something different is what I'm looking for. So I sit.  

Joe says this will be good for me. I left work early yesterday. I wasn't feeling so hot Ive had this pain off and on, it feels like a knife in my gut. I get clammy and nauseous while its happening. I don't know what it is. I had a colonoscopy last year and there was nothing unusual. Wish I knew what it was. Work went well today. I didn't think about not being enough today, I am enough...today. I'm sitting here looking at the cats. They love laying on the bed. I swear they haven't moved all day, I know they have though. They would never go a day without eating. Lucky bastards. Just sitting here waiting for dinner. All and all a great day so far. I feel like I should have more to say but I don't. Thats all. 

I feel fear a lot. we're very familiar with each other, fear and I. I remember when I was coming out. Nothing turned out the way I thought it would. I was rejected almost hunted and lost. The community I was entering was very white and non-welcoming. Oh if someone wanted to see my cock, they were all in then but as far as finding a community that seemed out of reach. So I stayed in the world of the closeted gay man, having sex with "straight" men and hating myself. Alcohol helped with the self loathing and speed kept me in the game, chasing a phantom. The fear kept me focused, hyperaware, paranoid. Even today I am very careful, still concerned with how I might be perceived when that really doesn't matter, to regular people. I truly believe I'm not from this planet. Yet here I am trying to navigate. I still need to work on loving myself. My husband sees this hero, someone who has conquered many demons, he sees the best of me. I stood up to a bully last week, got right in his face and called him out. I was tired of being afraid, I got pissed and I let him have it. I feel stronger today because of it. Fucking angst, when will it go away. I was told that journaling is  a good way to get the dark out. I want it out. 

So, it's funny how conversations at work all start this way. I came back to start again. A friend of mine asked me if I journal, I said I used to but stopped because the wrong person read it. After that happened, I got blocked. I wanted this to be a place where I could write whatever I wanted. Now it will be. I'm not all that but I'm all I think about a lot of the time. I think about my interactions with other people. There's guy at work from IT who referred to me as "bossman". When I asked him why he was calling me that, he got all weird, he said I'm just a worker, I'm not in charge of anything. I told him that I am just a worker too. He seemed to be offended and walked away. Next time I saw him, he acted like he didn't see me. I told him that I meant no disrespect, I just couldn't figure why he was calling me that. He said, no problem. Now when I see him, he acts like he doesn't see me, again. I let that go but it bugs. I guess its because I do want people to like me and this guy just doesn't. Why does my head focus on what's wrong when there is so much surrounding me that's right. That's the challenge for me, learning to not give a damn. Still stuck on that bullshit. Somebody slap me so I can wake up please. 

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There's this thing that happens to me when I feel called out or made example of in a negative way. It's a feeling of being humiliated. The anger rises in me to the point of rage, an uncontrollable rage. Not pretty or acceptable. As I'm writing this I am gettting dizzy, because it's me calling me out. There it is, sucks knowing you're the problem and a good thing is the solution is me as well. Look for the silver lining. So I am on board with the plan and if I feel I cannot follow it, I will ask for help. Not cause I'm weak but because I matter today.

Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: None

I was afraid. I stopped going to the gym when school started. Good excuse no? No, while in school I was a total task master to myself. I pushed myself pretty hard. I think if I had gone to the gym back then, I would've slept better, not been so snappy, and been regular. I also got this idea in my head that the gym was the new place to hook up anonymously. All the stories I'd heard from Tim and Mark. I started to believe that shit. So I stayed away. I also didn't trust. I felt intimidated. I was hyper self-conscious. Funny thing is people aren't concrned with what I'm doing, I was the one who's trippin'.

I went back this week and I have to say that I feel pretty damn good. I sam feeling a little sore in the upper body but not anything that will make me stop. I look at my body and I've always seen potential. I'm gonna find out. Fear keeps me from doing things I might enjoy, it robs my joy of living. I wish I had not been indoctrinated with it at an early on. I will say that today I refuse to allow fear to make any decisions. I am free to go where I want with faith. I am in love and loved, I have way  too much, and I have been given the privilege of having men in the program that trust me.

Kelly N. you have no idea who I am, You will never get anywhere by standing on my neck, what you don't realize is I would've helped you up if you were falling. Now, you're on your own motherfucker!

Current Mood: gratefulgrateful

I met with Briian tonight. I was off kilter from the very beginning. I was irked, and I allowed myself to vocalize my frustration. The truth is we haven't worked together for a long time. I've forgotten. It is not my job to tell anyone how to be, I broke from that rule today. The fact is I'm tired a bit sleep deprived and cranky. I apologized, that's my part, handled.
that work situation at work has beaten me up. I am done. I surrender everyday. I don't want to fight, why does it keep coming. My turn in the barrel, I'll just ride it out.
You know what, I thought I would feel better writing today. Not working.

Current Mood: moodymoody
Current Music: None

It is so funny to me. Just because you have a title does not give you the right to treat people as if they are less than you are. Also, if you have to broadcast your dissatisfaction to multiple people who have nothing to do with the situation, you are a shit starting asshole.
I've found that when you try to offer a solution to a process that is defunct or detrimental, your motives are questioned to the point the topic now becomes a character attack on you.
I hate "going along" but in today's corporate world, open door policy, suggestion boxes, staff meetings, and true communication and collaboration are DEAD. Why bother?

Current Location: Work
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: Dancing in a Burning Room-John Mayer

I'm watching several trains about to crash and theres not a fucking thing I can do to stop them. Nor do I think it is my responsibility to. We are all given choices, some good, some not so good. I can choose any one of a hundred different things or I can choose to do them all at the same time. There will be consequences so the question really is do I want to pay them.
I've been on jury duty for the last two days. The case was about a 29 year old man (at the time of the incident) who was having sex with a 14 year old girl. The details at this point are irrelevant to me. We found the defendant guilty this afternoon. We would not have even been there had it not been for this "man" making the wrong moves from the start. The duty was more stressful than I thought it would be. Maintaining a professional demeanor, poker face, is no fun when it's for keeps. part of me is really sad that he fucked up, the other half needs this guy to be held accountable.
I know what it's like to be in trouble, I've visited several friends while they were in jail. By the grace of God, I never had to spend real time locked up. Can't imagine what that might be like. Man you really fucked up, and you admitted it. Not once, but twice. Nobody wins, nobody.

Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: None

Thinking about Leon today. My Dad was my hero when I was a little dude. I hung on every word, studied every move, and loved the time we spent together. That's the memory I'll hold on to. He was a big hulk of a man, full beard, strong. I loved to hear his stories. I loved to hear him laugh. People looked up to him too. He could command a room and he made hella good bar-b-que sauce. My Dad was also an outdoorsman. There are things he taught me back then that amazed me. He and my Roni/Mommy exposed me to so many different things from food to art to books. I loved him so much. I really don't think he knew how much. I'd like to believe he knows now.
I wasn't with him when he died, I was too caught up in my own schemes and plans. We had lost touch completely by then anyway. The man I knew as a child was long gone and the man who was left resembled the former very little. I am sorry, for my part. I really don't know what I could've said to him, I had so many questions. Witnessing the pain in his wake once again, the looks on their faces, the tears without the cry.
Freedom was what he gave me as a child, a defiance beyond my years, and a sensitivity. I remember kissing him goodnight and his hugs, safe, at last.
Daddy, I hope you found it. I hope you are the king you wanted to be, I hope you are happy, I hope you don't have to tell anymore tall tales, I hope that you found the source…love. I miss you.

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Pat Metheny
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