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So, it's funny how conversations at work all start this way. I came back to start again. A friend of mine asked me if I journal, I said I used to but stopped because the wrong person read it. After that happened, I got blocked. I wanted this to be a place where I could write whatever I wanted. Now it will be. I'm not all that but I'm all I think about a lot of the time. I think about my interactions with other people. There's guy at work from IT who referred to me as "bossman". When I asked him why he was calling me that, he got all weird, he said I'm just a worker, I'm not in charge of anything. I told him that I am just a worker too. He seemed to be offended and walked away. Next time I saw him, he acted like he didn't see me. I told him that I meant no disrespect, I just couldn't figure why he was calling me that. He said, no problem. Now when I see him, he acts like he doesn't see me, again. I let that go but it bugs. I guess its because I do want people to like me and this guy just doesn't. Why does my head focus on what's wrong when there is so much surrounding me that's right. That's the challenge for me, learning to not give a damn. Still stuck on that bullshit. Somebody slap me so I can wake up please. 

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There's this thing that happens to me when I feel called out or made example of in a negative way. It's a feeling of being humiliated. The anger rises in me to the point of rage, an uncontrollable rage. Not pretty or acceptable. As I'm writing this I am gettting dizzy, because it's me calling me out. There it is, sucks knowing you're the problem and a good thing is the solution is me as well. Look for the silver lining. So I am on board with the plan and if I feel I cannot follow it, I will ask for help. Not cause I'm weak but because I matter today.

Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: None

I was afraid. I stopped going to the gym when school started. Good excuse no? No, while in school I was a total task master to myself. I pushed myself pretty hard. I think if I had gone to the gym back then, I would've slept better, not been so snappy, and been regular. I also got this idea in my head that the gym was the new place to hook up anonymously. All the stories I'd heard from Tim and Mark. I started to believe that shit. So I stayed away. I also didn't trust. I felt intimidated. I was hyper self-conscious. Funny thing is people aren't concrned with what I'm doing, I was the one who's trippin'.

I went back this week and I have to say that I feel pretty damn good. I sam feeling a little sore in the upper body but not anything that will make me stop. I look at my body and I've always seen potential. I'm gonna find out. Fear keeps me from doing things I might enjoy, it robs my joy of living. I wish I had not been indoctrinated with it at an early on. I will say that today I refuse to allow fear to make any decisions. I am free to go where I want with faith. I am in love and loved, I have way  too much, and I have been given the privilege of having men in the program that trust me.

Kelly N. you have no idea who I am, You will never get anywhere by standing on my neck, what you don't realize is I would've helped you up if you were falling. Now, you're on your own motherfucker!

Current Mood: gratefulgrateful

I met with Briian tonight. I was off kilter from the very beginning. I was irked, and I allowed myself to vocalize my frustration. The truth is we haven't worked together for a long time. I've forgotten. It is not my job to tell anyone how to be, I broke from that rule today. The fact is I'm tired a bit sleep deprived and cranky. I apologized, that's my part, handled.
that work situation at work has beaten me up. I am done. I surrender everyday. I don't want to fight, why does it keep coming. My turn in the barrel, I'll just ride it out.
You know what, I thought I would feel better writing today. Not working.

Current Mood: moodymoody
Current Music: None

It is so funny to me. Just because you have a title does not give you the right to treat people as if they are less than you are. Also, if you have to broadcast your dissatisfaction to multiple people who have nothing to do with the situation, you are a shit starting asshole.
I've found that when you try to offer a solution to a process that is defunct or detrimental, your motives are questioned to the point the topic now becomes a character attack on you.
I hate "going along" but in today's corporate world, open door policy, suggestion boxes, staff meetings, and true communication and collaboration are DEAD. Why bother?

Current Location: Work
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: Dancing in a Burning Room-John Mayer

I'm watching several trains about to crash and theres not a fucking thing I can do to stop them. Nor do I think it is my responsibility to. We are all given choices, some good, some not so good. I can choose any one of a hundred different things or I can choose to do them all at the same time. There will be consequences so the question really is do I want to pay them.
I've been on jury duty for the last two days. The case was about a 29 year old man (at the time of the incident) who was having sex with a 14 year old girl. The details at this point are irrelevant to me. We found the defendant guilty this afternoon. We would not have even been there had it not been for this "man" making the wrong moves from the start. The duty was more stressful than I thought it would be. Maintaining a professional demeanor, poker face, is no fun when it's for keeps. part of me is really sad that he fucked up, the other half needs this guy to be held accountable.
I know what it's like to be in trouble, I've visited several friends while they were in jail. By the grace of God, I never had to spend real time locked up. Can't imagine what that might be like. Man you really fucked up, and you admitted it. Not once, but twice. Nobody wins, nobody.

Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: None

Thinking about Leon today. My Dad was my hero when I was a little dude. I hung on every word, studied every move, and loved the time we spent together. That's the memory I'll hold on to. He was a big hulk of a man, full beard, strong. I loved to hear his stories. I loved to hear him laugh. People looked up to him too. He could command a room and he made hella good bar-b-que sauce. My Dad was also an outdoorsman. There are things he taught me back then that amazed me. He and my Roni/Mommy exposed me to so many different things from food to art to books. I loved him so much. I really don't think he knew how much. I'd like to believe he knows now.
I wasn't with him when he died, I was too caught up in my own schemes and plans. We had lost touch completely by then anyway. The man I knew as a child was long gone and the man who was left resembled the former very little. I am sorry, for my part. I really don't know what I could've said to him, I had so many questions. Witnessing the pain in his wake once again, the looks on their faces, the tears without the cry.
Freedom was what he gave me as a child, a defiance beyond my years, and a sensitivity. I remember kissing him goodnight and his hugs, safe, at last.
Daddy, I hope you found it. I hope you are the king you wanted to be, I hope you are happy, I hope you don't have to tell anymore tall tales, I hope that you found the source…love. I miss you.

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Pat Metheny

I have this thing in me. Sometimes, based on the situation, someone might answer a question for me and I immediately take into consideration the loof on your face, your body language, and the inflection in youir voice. Having a pickled brain sucks! I am so glad I can talk all the shit I want to here. "You gotta blow that shit out!"
There's this thing called teamwork that is mentioned from time to time where I work. What I see is something all together different. It's all good, I'm gonna do me. Regardless, I'm in. I would like to talk about the company I work with but apparently there are people who monitor the web for the use of their name. This is not paranoia, it's documented company policy.

I have this thing in me. Sometimes, based on the situation, someone might answer a question for me and I immediately take into consideration the look on your face, your body language, and the inflection in your voice. Having a pickled brain sucks! I am so glad I can talk all the shit I want to here. "You gotta blow that shit out!"

A sad thing happens when I get to work every morning. I have to protect myself. I have to lock away my heart and soul. In this day and age there are still cavemen and cave-women with the mentality of that period as well. We all have judgements and prejudices, mine usually revolve around injustice and insensitivity. I am prejudiced against assholes who believe they are better than someone else. These people are always blaming "those people" for their unhappiness and ignorance and really their fear. The ones who have an opinion on everything, the ones who take the side of whoever and switch sides mid-sentence. Ok , enough of that shit!
Today I am grateful that God saw fit for me to wake up this morning, that I absolutely know that Todd loves me and I love him, that I am able to feel myself breathing in and out, for Mimi who kept giving me the lesson that I finally learned, that my plant sits across from me and flourishes, for the colors, green, red and gray, for a shining suit of armour without flaws, for sanity, for grace, for service to others, for music. Sunrise and sunset. I am one of the luckiest men on this planet, I have friends today as well.
Gratitude save my ass everyday, it washes away the shit that flows all around me. Be it real or perceived, did I tell you I have a disease of perception? That's the best part...yeah uh huh!
To be continued...

Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: She's Gone Away-King's X
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